It seems like every time I visit TMZ another couple is getting divorced: Kobe Bryant, Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Deion Sanders, Ashton Kutcher, and many others have decided to end their marriages.

I have been wanting to write something on sex, love, and dating for some time, but I just haven't had the time.  I don't really have the time now, but I feel compelled to write something that speaks to this divorce epidmic.

In his song, "How to Love," Lil' Wayne beautifully, and accurately, captures what I believe to be the main reason why divorce has become an epidemic in America- most people have never really learned how to love.

Yep, I never thought I'd say it, but I think Weezy may be on to something: Kobe, Kutcher, Kim, and the rest of them may not have really learned how to love. 

But WHAT, I must ask, is love, and HOW exactly do we DO it? I'd like to share four Greek words with you that will help us answer those two simple, yet complex, questions.

The first, most basic, word for love in the Greek language is "philia" (φιλία).  Philia refers to a kind of brotherly, or sisterly, love.  It is a dispassionate, virtuous love, and usually refers to the kind love you have for a friend. More often than not, you have this kind of love for your friends, your co-workers, and your bff. You guys hang out together, go to the movies, and kick it, but that is it. No kissing, no hand-holding, no cupcakin'. You're "just friends."   

The second Greek word for love is "eros" (ἔρως).  Eros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. Most songs on the radio these days are filled with this eros kind of love.  You know eros-love quite well.  Eros-love is the kiss-me-through-the-phone; the-neighbors-know-my-name; the feelin'-on-yo'-booty; the let's-get-freaky-tonight kind of love. Hear me well- there is nothing wrong with that kind of love. I'm convinced that God created sex not only to make babies, but to make love.  Having said that, however, making love with the wrong person, too soon, can leave you, as Lil' Wayne says, with "a lot of moments that didn't last forever," and leave you "in a corner, tryna' put (your broken heart) together."  Eros love is very intoxicating. 

The third word for love is "storge" (στοργή).  Storge love is the kind of love that parents feel for their children. It's this love that causes me to dote over my three children, Manuel, Christopher, and Berkeley.  If I could pluck a star out of the sky for every time my children have put joy in my heart, or put a smile on my face, I would hold in the palm of my hand the entire evening sky.  For many parents, our children are more dear to us than our own hearts' blood.  It's this kind of love that causes mothers to worry, to pack lunches, to send care packages; and, it's storge kind of love that makes dads want to buy shotguns...

The fourth, and most powerful, word for love in Greek is "agape" (ἀγάπη). Agape is unconditional love.  Unlike philia, eros, and storge, agape love is not selfish. It is not done for your own self-interest. It does not necessarily benefit you. Agape love is sacrificial, selfLESS love.  It is the for-worse, for-poorer, in-sickness, till-death-do-us-part, kind of love; and, at it's best, it is the "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" kind of love.  Agape love is sacrificial, unconditional, selfless and godly. That kind of love NEVER fails. That kind of love is powerful!

So, what does all this talk about love have to do with marriage and divorce? Everything. You see, the staggering divorce rates in America should tell us that most people in America are getting married with a very narrow, or skewed, understanding of what love really is. Maybe they had philia, eros, and/or storge love when they went into the marriage, but it is quite obvious that by the end of the marriage, they did not have agape love.  This misunderstanding has led far too many people down the aisle believing they were "in love" when in actuality they were barely "in lust," "in like," or "in lock-down."
Please hear me: you don't get married because someone is fine or sexy(though it helps); nor do you get married because someone "looks the part"- makes a lot of money, or has a good job , or attended a good school, or comes from a good family (that helps too); you don't even get married because a kid is on the way; and, you certainly don't get married because the person you're with is "convenient."

You get married if, and only if, you are "in love" with someone who, at the very least, is compatible with you spiritually, mentally, socially, and physically. You get married because you have found someone whom your soul loves. You get married because you have found someone whom you would want to be by your side when you were on your deathbed, and vice versa. 

AND, once you get married, if you want to STAY married, you have to make sure you "leave"- not abandon- your parents,  your friends, your other relationships. That's where many people mess up.  Too few people really leave their "past" lives behind them. Instead, they go into the marriage still living, talking, and thinking like they are single. The only real difference is the wedding ring.  Leave means leave, so make sure you find someone who is worth leaving your family and friends for.

Then, after you leave, you have to "cleave"- hold on for dear life- to your spouse. The road is going to get bumpy.  

I say that because marriage requires a lot of work. VERY hard work.  People evolve, situations change,  and challenges come, especially when children get added to the mix. But you must learn to adapt if you are going to survive and thrive. You  adapt by  talking about everything. Everything. Talking leads to learning, learning leads to understanding, and understanding leads to longevity.

Now, at the risk of being criticized, I have a confession to make. I love you and I want to keep it 100 with you: there are times when I seriously thought about leaving my wife. There are times when I did not want to be a father or a husband.  And yes, there have been times, at the most challenging point in my marriage, that if something did not change, I probably would have cheated on my wife...

BUT I remembered, time and time again, the commitment I made before God, my family, and my friends to cleave to my wife through thick and thin,  through frustration and failure, and through character flaws and personal demons. And, for the sake of my marriage, I put up more boundaries, I lightened my work load, and I renewed my commitment to my wife and my family.  Because of that mutual commitment that she and I have made, not only are we still together, but we are still very much in like, in lust, and in love (No, don't worry, we are not planning on having any more children!).

Sure, we've had our share of difficulties, but together, we have fought through them, and decided that NO MATTER WHAT, we are going to KEEP SHOWING UP.  In marriage, when you don't believe you can take any more, that's when you need to live BEYOND belief.  That's when you find out what you are really made of; that's where your character is tested, and formed, and proven; and, most importantly, that's where you learn to ask God to step in and make his strength perfect in your weakness.

These are some things I've heard my mother and father-in-law say too, in so many words.  The longer I'm married, the more true their words become for me.  They have been married almost 60 years, so I have a hunch they know how to love. I think they'd make Lil' Wayne proud.

If, by chance, you are in a chapter in your marriage where the ink has dried up, and you are not sure you can keep writing, let me encourage you to turn the page, shake that pen a little bit, and begin writing a new chapter in your marriage. One that is filled with agape, philia, eros, and, if you have children, storge love.

It's never too late to learn how to love, or to improve how you love. Turn the Page! Write. Now.

Do you know of any couples who have been married for a long time?  I encourage you to sit down and have a heart to heart with them about the "secret sauce" of making it last forever.  I bet you'll be blessed by what they share with you.